It's been a crazy last two weeks of mind whiplash. The weather, the cold, the fast progression of people we know dropping ill left and right has been head spinning.
I admit I was a bit naive thinking if I boosted the interior home temperature up it would minimize winter aches from cold, that was wishful thinking. A girl can only but try right? This season ushered in joint aches in new places I didn't know could ache, not fun but I'm dealing with it so far. My older husband isn't dealing at all and is the biggest voice in the house currently about the winter weather. Granted he doesn't have to do the long hours and physical job he does either but he still chooses to hang on, so there is that.
I mentioned in the last entry about the seasonal blues and it really has me by the neck this year. In a flurry of my Grinch mode and wanting to get holiday shopping done and over with, I mechanically did a one stop "point and click" on Amazon and was done with it all including cards. I just can't deal this year, do I feel guilty? Hell no. Christmas is for children and more fun with children. My immediate family members are all in various stages of health, financial, or housing crisis and it's overwhelming. Being both a parent and adult daughter I want to help but I cannot. It weighs on my heart to see my loved ones suffer and I feel their pain.
In the midst of it all I’ve been focused on photography and snapping wildlife to distract myself. The weather hasn’t exactly been cooperating. At age 63 I’ve learned to avoid ice and snow as it takes months just to recover from one fall or a bruise. It’s been a more traditional New England December of early snowfall and bitter cold. The last storm I decided to do what I always have and be the hero shoveling. The whole thing didn’t go well this year unlike the last. After ten minutes of moving snow around my side suddenly gave a sharp twinge of muscle spasm and I found myself stuck in a bent over position with a shovel full. I couldn’t stand upright so I made my way to my car nearby and sat in it until all subsided. The only way left to move the snow around in our parking lot so others could fit was to literally drive my SUV back and forth over it all and mash it down, so that's what I did. It must have been a funny thing to watch but there would be nobody else left to finish my shoveling, and it worked.
The following days our gutter up on the roof decided not to drain and with no insulation in the building the dripping water had nowhere to escape once the temperature was above freezing. A local handyman was here hours recently using varying methods unclogging each section along with the downspouts, as I stood by the ladder handing him tools of sorts. We used a hammer, some roof tiles, a shoehorn, and an unused curtain rod to accomplish the task before the temperatures drop below freezing again. Renting in this old house has become one long exhausting circus. I’m not going to lie, it’s scary getting old and not having found our final home. In an ideal living situation, we wouldn’t move so late in life but the failing health of our elderly landlady and the building being beyond repair here after 16 years requires us to. The reality is it’s easier said than done not for lack of money, but the lack of choices. I'm sad we have to leave the area at all.
Christmas, holiday spirit, I’m just not there this season. All I care about is our loved ones getting better health and financially but thus far it’s looking a bit grim like my mood. The blessing to look forward to is after December 22nd the short dark days will begin to turn around and get longer. Once we are into January we will finally turn the winter corner and begin the journey back to spring which itself brings new challenges. Many of my social media accounts I kept I have closed over the last few weeks. The remaining is a photo account and this blog primarily. I think when we tend to feel overwhelmed it’s natural to want to retreat but it’s not healthy to totally hide. The days and isolation have just been a lot lately, I need to do better both in daily life and here blogging. I am in need of a change and I’m thinking of cutting my hair into a short punk style I wore years ago, maybe I’ll color it flaming burgundy. It’s not like anyone will see it right?
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